fit to be eaten

oh the places you've been

2009-12-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

...which are obviously not on this blog...

I had one of those spontaneous moments of motivation this summer.
Nestled in the base of the hill at work is a tiny diminutive business that advertises "personal training" in its shop byline.

Curiosity got to me and on 4th of July weekend I found myself with a date with a trainer.

I had never done the trainer thing before, I've only witnessed their acts on TV....

Back to Work & Recap

2009-01-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

I took a vacation recently, an eating vacation. Remember that whole celebration month of December? Yep- that's the vacation month. Piled with parties and gift giving, candy making and cookie nibbling.

And I think I survived. Now that I'm halfway thru January, I can say I'm back on track to my life long habit of eating healthier.

Recap:
November was an odd month. Having just read that my eating strategy of reduction was in fact plain old starvation was frustrating, demoralizing and full of accomplishment at the same time.

Heck- if I can survive a starvation strategy, I can now remind myself that lack of will power is not a viable excuse anymore to give up.

So you know what I did that month of November? That month I didn't write any updates because I was busy being a human guinea pig. I put myself on a no carb, high fat diet to test if I would gain weight.

The outcome: I lost weight while pouring cream into my coffee.

I was stunned. And feeling no-carb diet naive. I thought that was going to be my life long future eating plan: meat and cheese.

Except, avoiding sugars and carbs proved too hard for my resolve when smacked with the Christmas month of Holidays.

November and December were challenging but great months. I learned to be flexible, not restrict myself, and to continue to loosen up on judging myself. Even if I'm restricting carbs- having waffles for two days straight on Christmas is just fine. Really.

What I'm doing now:
- I'm not basing my meals on refined carbohydrates.
- I'm not restricting fats.
- I'm in love with nuts.
- I'm addicted to udon soup.

And I'm down 20 lbs from my beginning weight.

Viva la Revolution!

sustainability

2008-11-07T10:20:00.000-08:00

I've been reading Good Calories, Bad Calories, by Gary Taubes.
The road of reading that book has been so up and down- a mingling of anger, frustration and astonishment. To quote an amazon reviewer of the book: "The research level is staggering and evidence so overwhelming that portions of the book are downright infuriating."

His historical culmination of obesity research seeks to weave the story of scientific research getting caught up in not explaining why people get obese. His relentless hammering of the point of causation vs correlation has been very illuminating.

I'm not even half way through reading the book (its very dense). But what I do know is that what I'm currently doing with my diet is not viable. The frank naming of it in the book really drove home its intent: a balanced semi-starvation diet. I don't want to starve myself for the rest of my life just to result in a wasted, starved person in an attempt to look normal.

So I'm changing my journey and my path.

Hopefully after some thinking this weekend I will have a battle plan in place.

Crackin

2008-11-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

No surprise- I found my crack this weekend. Or rather it found me: stuffing and chocolate mousse.

nom nom nom.

It was a delightful vacation island in the sea of knowing better.

le sigh

Spreadsheet Food Diary

2008-11-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure if I'm going to continue updating my spreadsheet food diary.
My work computer has been in the shop for the last week- which kind of has the spreadsheet out of my hands during the week- when I use it most.

It has been good about keeping me mindful about my eating habits and helping me cut back on the simple carbs.

Can you have your cake and eat it too?

2008-10-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

I survived my birthday week pretty much intact!

Having multiple nights of eating out was a good way to cement in my head that I have to be realistic about this.

I just made sure to eat fairly good, low carb, low meat the earlier part of the day in order to save up those denser foods for the restaurant.

One of my favorite meal strategies was eating Chinese with a bunch of friends. There were 6 (+Ellie) of us and at least one entre per person. Grabbing just a bite or two at a time from the entres worked well to let me sample lots of different flavors without taking too much of each.

I feel good about this- it was a good way to equate eating out with not eating too much.

Weigh-in week four and atonement

2008-10-09T10:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted one of these weigh-ins for awhile- though I have been doing them.

And here's the punch line, my body is having a joke with (at?) me: I've been hovering just at 200lbs for a week.

I think my body senses my issues with numbers. You see, I haven't made peace with that 200 number yet. It's been my homework this week, and well, I've been hoping to avoid it.

I can't trust myself to say "Never Again". Or more precisely, I'm afraid to say never again.

Last time I lost weight was through a weight loss center called Healthy Weigh. There, I was weighed by strangers, had my food diary checked by strangers, and was complimented on my progress by strangers. They set up my goal weight, set up my mini-goals along the way, told me when I was doing well.

And I did do well. For maybe a year.

Looking back on the experience- it worked, but I was a little mentally checked out of the process. It turned into me doing this for them, and removing responsibility from myself and moving it to that food diary and those weigh-ins.

When I went below 200lbs before I was told I'd never see that number again. I was told it.

Here I am sitting in the same place and tasting this nervous yet exhilarating experience in my mouth all over again. This time I'm not being told what to do, I'm not being told about my fate in numbers. I have to do this for myself.

And I have to forgive myself for coming back here, to this stage of body issues yet again.

I'm not going to put myself in this place again. Never again.

Sprinting vs Ultra-Marathon

2008-10-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

Catching myself feeling apprehensive about eating out at a Chinese restaurant was the obvious clue I had slipped a touch.

There's no way I could or would want to divorce myself from restaurants and eating out.

But there was that twinge...
it's easier if I just eat at home
and hide
and not be real

It's amazing the instant lack of patience a person develops once they've decided to lose weight. it's like a clock suddenly starts working and ticking, loudly.

Yeah, I admit - I think I'm sprinting a bit right now. It's the transition to ultra-marathon I have on my list of things to be very aware of.

How does one transition to be eating for a healthy weight for life?
Is the rest of life a diet?

Guilty tv pleasures: Biggest Loser

2008-10-01T15:15:00.000-07:00

Admitting to watching the Biggest Loser is a big step for this self-proclaimed tv snob. And yet, I find myself looking forward to it.

Is it the voyeurism of it? The before-and-after shock and awe?

I admit, it is a bit inspiring. If they can do all that physical activity, then so can I.

Odd though how little they talk about the importance of food consumption regulation.

Craving and indulgences

2008-09-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

The chocolate donut eaten just now wasn't worth it.

The chocolate mousse at Friday night's bookclub party (themed over-indulgence) was.

This was a good reminder to go specific and high quality with my indulgences. That donut was all mental in its hold on me.

Now I'm going to go take a penance walk.

weigh-in week one

2008-09-18T10:04:00.001-07:00

203.8

(yea)

to before or not to before... that is the question

2008-09-17T21:13:00.001-07:00

I understand the use of measurements to assess gain and progress.
But do I want to extend this to finding/taking a before picture?

I admit- that before/after contrast photo is an exciting thing to see.

Would this be a piece of motivation or something else (angry, embarrassment, ...)

challenges

2008-09-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

The tough parts discovered so far:

needing to have fresh fruit or crunchy veggies for when I come home hungry
stopping myself from sinking into late night eating. It's so easy to slip into eating too much food in the evening.
seeing calorie dense foods makes me want them- and it's really difficult to keep it to just one taste. A lump of raw cookie dough in the freezer attacked me tonight- sigh. Very happy to report that I kept it limited to one piece nibbled (a didn't eat the other three pieces that came with it!).
remembering that this will take time. Watching the Biggest Loser the other night made it easy to forget this need for time as well. Losing 17 pounds in one week- yesh. That show gives me all sorts of bad feelings. More on that later probably.

Weigh-in

2008-09-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

205.2

Eh, I'll take it.

This weekend was full of fun cooking and tasty stuff. I focused on keeping the rest of the day light, and concentrated on portion control.

I fear I'm becoming addicted to my evening chocolate.

Goal: power

2008-09-15T09:59:00.001-07:00

image by flickr user pinkbelt

I was surprised by the thoughts that came to me today as I walked in to work.

I had just read in Eat Pray Love a passage about showing femininity even in the wilds of the jungle as evidenced by wearing jewelry, a little lipstick and some perfume.

"How do I show my femininity?"

I looked down at my jeans, my sandals. I caught sight of the jewelry on my hands, thought about how mussed up my hair was these days. Is this my femininity?

No, I intrinsically feel feminine. My body is my femininity- but beyond the simple sense of gender and sex.

With my recent health attentiveness, my attention has been turned inward to what is defining my success and happiness. I am not feeling unhappy. I am not feeling unfeminine. Even in these moments of weighing as much as I am. Spurring myself onward to become healthier with regards to my weight isn't necessarily about these traits.

My mentor Rebecca has recently dangled a carrot in front of me. Do I want to come run with her this November?

I'm scared to answer yes.

My fear of failure and disappointment swirling the issue of running is signaling to me that this is my crux, my issue. I don't feel ready to run. And yet, I remember that magic time during my previous weight loss when walking home in the dark, my body propelled itself forward and up. It demanded that I run. I hooked my thumbs under my backpack straps and took flight, up hill to home. And in that moment it was the joyful effortless run of my child self on the lawns at St. Louis, attempting to beat Annabell, who was always the fastest runner.

I want to take my school uniform skirt and tuck it out of the way and run.

I don't want to be skinnier, I want to be powerful.

Weigh-in, day 2

2008-09-12T11:11:00.001-07:00

206.5

I refuse to believe there is that much weight loss for my first day. But then again, if I'm going to have an off-kilter scale reading, having it on the first day is something I'm willing to take.

Method
I weigh myself in the morning. In whatever I slept in. I remember from years ago, when I went in for my three times a week weigh ins, the effect of outfit on the weigh in. Clunky shoes, or heaven forbid- boots, would add themselves to my scale reading like an additional hurdle to jump over. I don't need that- I'm taking the luxury of doing my weigh-ins at home: bathroom, in pj's, then weigh.

You can bet I'm not wearing 3 lbs of clothing in the morning.

Data Methods

2008-09-12T10:51:00.001-07:00

I've set up a google spread sheet chronicling my food intake and weight.

At first glance, this strikes me as a bit control freak, but it really isn't that different from keeping a paper food journal. Plus, I'm comforted by the ability to graph my weight loss.
Gawd, that was geeky sounding, but note the optimism there.

Goals, I want

2008-09-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Weight:
to get down to a normal bmi and stay there. Given my height, that puts me at a goal weight of 153 to first enter the normal zone on the chart.

Waist measurement:
to get to 33 inches, keeping below the recommended 35 inches for women.

Fitness:
to take up running again and feel comfortable doing yoga in a class setting.
to feel comfortable doing physical activity in front of others.
to go rock climbing again with my sweetie... fat girls don't rock climb, cause it sucks.

Body:
to protect the health of my joints.
to have my knees not creek and pop when I go down stairs.
to be comfortable in my crowded bus seat. Sharing seats on the bus sucks when everyone is taking up more than their half.

I want, I want, I want.

Weigh-in day one

2008-09-11T14:17:00.000-07:00

I've been chewing on this number all morning and it really pisses me off.
210.4

But then again, here I am at day one.

from the gut

2008-09-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

How does one find themselves on the beginning of a weight loss journey?

How does one do this yet again, after having already lost and gained over 50 lbs in her young adulthood?

It's a bittersweet mindset. I know how to get into a healthier weight- I've done it before. And yet...

I'm all too wise on how easy I let it come back. All too wise to the slippery slope of gaining it back because it was easier than not.

But its not easy to gain weight back. Not when I intellectually know there was a point where I wasn't ashamed of showing my bare arms. Not when I remember weighing less than my lovers. Not when I remember the joy of simply buying clothes instead of hiding in clothes that were way to difficult to be happy with.

We know it goes beyond simply eating food. My simple mouse brain sees food as a pleasure-pellet, an integral part of my limbic reward system. This is just one part of how I need to make this stick for life.

One step forward, hoping this simple act of blogging it will help catch me if I should fall.