Goal: power

image by flickr user pinkbelt

I was surprised by the thoughts that came to me today as I walked in to work.

I had just read in Eat Pray Love a passage about showing femininity even in the wilds of the jungle as evidenced by wearing jewelry, a little lipstick and some perfume.

"How do I show my femininity?"

I looked down at my jeans, my sandals. I caught sight of the jewelry on my hands, thought about how mussed up my hair was these days. Is this my femininity?

No, I intrinsically feel feminine. My body is my femininity- but beyond the simple sense of gender and sex.

With my recent health attentiveness, my attention has been turned inward to what is defining my success and happiness. I am not feeling unhappy. I am not feeling unfeminine. Even in these moments of weighing as much as I am. Spurring myself onward to become healthier with regards to my weight isn't necessarily about these traits.

My mentor Rebecca has recently dangled a carrot in front of me. Do I want to come run with her this November?

I'm scared to answer yes.

My fear of failure and disappointment swirling the issue of running is signaling to me that this is my crux, my issue. I don't feel ready to run. And yet, I remember that magic time during my previous weight loss when walking home in the dark, my body propelled itself forward and up. It demanded that I run. I hooked my thumbs under my backpack straps and took flight, up hill to home. And in that moment it was the joyful effortless run of my child self on the lawns at St. Louis, attempting to beat Annabell, who was always the fastest runner.

I want to take my school uniform skirt and tuck it out of the way and run.

I don't want to be skinnier, I want to be powerful.